1 Disember

Permulaan Disember yg suram. Aku hilang keyakinan nak teruskan master. Malam tadinye exam aku fail takleh jawab, rasa kosong tengok soalan paper exam. Balik exam terus tidur dan pagi ni keluar jugak air mata. Tak tahan.

Call mama dan luahkan. Mama kata aku culture shock dan study last minit. Tapi aku rasa aku yg problem..rasa bodoh. Tak reti bahagi masa, bahagi kerja, bahagi tenaga, tak reti fokus..

Allah...bantulah aku tunjukkan aku jalan...apa yg terbaik buatku..

K

Some might not even think to ask my problems. Why am I too bother yours💆😔

K

Pesan Ifa

Seminggu dua la nih memang asyik down..aku cam tak paham apa kehendak aku senarnya..cam tak clear and ragu ngan apa yg aku dah decide..haih

Skang nih aku nak cuba sangat bangkit..aku pun takmau sedih melampau and takmau benda nih cam takdak ending. Kak Sity ada cakap yg semua benda berlaku nih boleh kita ubah/control/tangani/decide..depends on kita lah camna nak ianya berlaku.

Betul la tu..kalau setakat nak akur pastuh diri sedih stress..what ni point pun nak dok dalam keadaan cantuh sampai bila pun taktau......haih

Oh Ifa ada pesan, dia suh let go "dia" buat masa skrg. Disebabkan takdak urgency and kita pun takleh decide on behalf and control benda tu, jadi, kena sabar banyak dan cuba sedaya upaya supaya tak terlalu pikir..buat hal masing22 dan go je with the flow. 

Dah benda kita pun takleh nak buat pape. Hal ni melibatkan dua pihak, jadi kena caro hok duo pihak lah. Dop jadi kalu sebeloh jah. Saba banyok la teng..Allah kan tengah uji tuh, ye saye hambo dio😌 

Belajar utk lepaskan dia, belajar utk hidup berdikari, belajar utk tak mengejar org, belajar utk tak susahkan diri pikir banyak, belajar utk sayang diri kesian kat diri..belajar la k fatin. Kita taktau sampai bila hidup nih, takkan nak sia22kan ja saki baki hidup dok meratapi sangat.

Let go tu bukan maksud suh lupa n buang rasa tuh, cuma let go jelah dia dgn hidup dia..kalau ada, ada lah. Tak perlua paksa..tak perlu kejar, tak perlu susahkan diri senarnya..happykan lah diri tuh. Involvekan diri dgn benda happy..banyak lagi org appreciate kita buat masa nih dan banyak lagi sebab utk teruskan bersyukur dgn apa yg ada la ni..

Sabaq k fatin..Allah akan bagi yg terbaik buat diri nanti..😔😕

Unstable life

Banyak benda yg senarnya takleh harap benda tuh nak datang sendiri or setel sendiri.

Aku sedar yg aku banyak duduk dan tunggu, takde effort lebih nak belajar sendiri..dah tahu diri tak berapa pandai..haih

Last night akak ofis cerita dia kena basuh ngan bos and even bos said something about me. Terkedu ngan some of her questions:

"Apa fatin nak proofkan dgn ambik masters in this hectic time?"
"Why uia? it is not a good uni"
"Apa skop kerja fatin lagi selain calling participants? buat kerja tu in 2-3 weeks tak habis-habis?"

Memang deep and even made me think a lot (dah la nature memang jenis berpikir plak tuh adeh)

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Takpelah. Apa yg dah di komen di kritik dan di bahas, aku tetap dengan niat dan aim aku. Masters is not about nak proofkan yg aku hebat, tapi sebabkan diri sendiri. Aku taknak kepala aku tumpul dan minat belajar terkubur camtu. I have my own stand, kata lah apa pun bos. I have my rights to do with my own early age ni. Maut ajal kita taktau sampai bila. So, let it be how am I wanting to do with mine.

Pasal skop kerja, macam angah cakap tadi, aku kena clear apa aku kena buat senarnya supaya at the end orang tak ambush apa je aku buat selama berkerja ni.

Thank you angah. Your simple words made me realize. Aku rasa kalau teruskan camni boileh jadi bodoh dan macam balaci.

Hurm.

Aku kena buat something....

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Haih

Mind-thoughts

Study for Masters midterm

Financial for UK trip

That person

Nonstop workload

Solat yg terumbang ambing

Didikan agama yg tak ditambah/diingatkan

All these things keep in my mind..ada yg mampu buat sekarang, ada yg tak mampu. Senarnya takdela tak mampu, tapi, just..hurm, takde effort lebih :'(

Tiba-tiba

Kuatnya rasa ni, andai la benar permudahkanlah..andai mainan syaitan dan nafsu sahaja, jauhkanlah ia ya Allah yg Maha Mengetahui😔

Deep thought after a year passed

Sudahlahh fatin.

Dah setahun pun kepala ni berperang fikir kenapa mcm ni berlaku, kenapa mcm tu, kenapa aku kenapa tak org lain, kenapa dan kenapa...

It's hurt deep inside. Tak salah siapa pun, diri sendiri yg problem.

Maybe on my side I feel betrayed, org dah tawar hati kot or maybe I am that bad dulu senarnya. Yelahh sometimes we never knows yg kita dok keep buat salah senarnya and seksa hati orang dalaman (perbuatan or kata22) sampaila masa Allah tarik semuanya and put back everything in its origin place (keadaan yg mana I never share life with others and nothing to worry about).

That was also my deep thought everyday in mind. Acah-acah muhasabah😨

For me both of us had try our very best dah, but things happened with His will just in seconds! I couldn't accept the reality and keep chasing with hopes within sampaila sekarang. If you read this, sorry lah ini kisah aku takleh nak stop sebab perasaan tu deep sangat. Satu je yg aku cuba pegang, one day if you really ready with your future and still wants me, I'm okay. I never kisah pun how is your future gonna be, trust me, as long as I can be with people I like most, aku happy. Maybe dulu ada lah dok pertikai antara doktor dan engineer, well tu semua kisah budak22, bila pikir balik, adehh tak matangnya lahai. I am happy but not happy at all when things turn out like this. I never expect and hope.

Another my deep thought, you might be ada terasa with me and I don't know why, truly, I'm so sorry for my bad.

Nak cakap menda nih semua, but I don't wanna seem like "gila la pempuan nih, over nak explain semua" plus you are in the middle of having problem and have difficulties in settling your study life, so, its okay if I meroyan tak betul camnih. Tak mintak pun, but it keeps beating inside mcm nih. I just have the ability trying to control and try the best to not showing and pressure you with this problem remeh camnih. I am not okay mow but I am just okay..ha mcm tuu😔

Haish nak cerita kat orang, I know people pun malas nak dengaq, so put it here. Later or sooner maybe we can talk about this or maybe not. For now, I always always and always keep praying for your me and our best, harapan tu masih ada, cuma aku tak mampu nak ubah pape, sebabnya keputusan tu dtg dari diri memasing, and not to forget, Allah yg pegang hati kita semua, I cannot push you. Please take care and jumpa lagi☺️

Note: Allah knows best, yakin. Okeh dah pukul 8 lebih, kerja~~

Bonjour

Salamu'alaykum.

Writing this while listening to zikirullah, keep playing on Astro Oasis. 

Unexpectedly I open this old-and-aged blog, reading my own writings. The writings seem full of sorrow. I realized something, Allah had answered my prayers once in a while ago, but His answer didn't turn me happy though. I felt triple sad. I really don't want everything turn up this way.

Allah.....show me the hikmah behind all of these...I know everyone's life is hard, mine too O my Allah.

Hurm..